From Dusk Till Dawn
Just a little update on what's going on in my life.
Some of you may know I went for a one week break last week.
"Wow! Shiok!"
Well, I thought I was gonna enjoy myself too.
But it turned out that I ended up more tired than before I went for my break.
I was struggling internally over the prospect of my job, and the frustrations felt over what I was doing versus what I really wanted to do.
Basically, throughout the whole week, I was wrestling with the Lord. I mean, if you asked what I accomplished the whole of last week, or in terms of what I've done, I'd say, I don't recall doing anything constructive throughout the week! Pretty intense huh?
All I remember was me spending a lot of time moping before the Lord.
I'm writing this down because I want to console myself that my last week was not wasted just because I didn't do anything. I'm writing this down cos I just realised that I was going through my Penniel Experience with the Lord.
It left me drained, and it left me exhausted physically, spiritually and mentally to a certain extent.
I started on the Friday before. I had gotten so fed up with doing admin that I get pissed each time I looked at the people I had to call and the events I had to coordinate. I knew it was the first sign of burning out.
So I prayed a little and the Lord came and reminded me that I had gone on my own strength instead of coming to Him and relying on Him.
Well, to cut the long story short, I immediately sent a message to my boss telling him that I needed to go for a 1 week break. Knew that was the last straw. :) I'd better check myself in before it all blows up.
Like I said, I took the whole week to try to get away from it all, but I ended up having to deal with the emotions that were erupting from my heart instead. It took me a long while to settle down and lay it before the Lord. But one thing I was realy thankful of, was that throughout the week, the Lord was only concerned about how I felt, and not instructing me on what to do, where to go next. I knew, He knew that that was not what I needed then. It really took me a while to simmer down and to let the emotions flow out...
It reminded me of Moses and how he was so fed up with the complaints of the Israelites that instead of just knocking the rock 1 time, he struck it twice which resulted in him being barred from the Promised Land. Isn't it kind of like us sometimes when we get angry, we tend to vent our frustrations on God and blame Him for all our misfortunes? Haha... I rememebered I was so pissed that I told the Lord to not even try to convince me to stay in this job!
I came before the Lord and by and by He revealed to me His heart. He revealed His love to me and during a conversation I had with a dear sister, I realised that He was asking me what I really want to do. I realised that He wanted to give me the right to make my own decisions so that I will pursue what is in the desires of my heart. That blew my mind because I've always been taught to go wherever the Lord wants me to go and there's no questions about it, but then I realised that if it were so all the time, then we would be nothing more than robots.
Scriptures like,"Delight in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart." and "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, and knock and it shall be opened onto you." made more sense to me.
Most times, I hesitated on making decisions, because I was afraid that I would make them based on the impulse of my heart or I'd make a decision that would derail me from His will. But that night on MSN with my dear sister, when I heard the Spirit of the Lord telling me that He had given me the right to make my own decisions, I know I have His assurance that whatever decision that I make, He will bless, because it is according to the desires of my heart which He had placed within me.
It feels so free! It feels so liberating! And I felt it, the words that Miki prayed for me the Sat before that I do not need to ask Him for permission from Him, just go and do what is in my heart! It suddenly resonates louder than I first heard it!
So, right now, I feel like I'm standing at the crossroads of my life, looking at the great beyond, getting ready for my next big adventure. It's exciting, and yet, a little scary at the same time, like what if I make the wrong decisions, what if it doesn't work out? Will He be there when I make those decisions?
But then that's the beginning of the next journey, faith and trust in a God who allows me to make my own decisions over my life in His sovereignty and allowing Him to continually deal with me so He can refine the process. Something that's very new to me. :)
And I think this is the greatest lesson that I took out of my Penniel Experience with Him the last week, that true liberty in Christ is knowing who my God is, and He is a God who wants me to live freely in Him and fulfill the desires of my heart.
Right now, my heart is going something like,"Really? You mean if I want to do something badly, God will let me do it? If I want to fulfill some deep desire in my heart, He will let me go do it? Wow! Cool..."
And His answer is, "Yes."
Some of you may know I went for a one week break last week.
"Wow! Shiok!"
Well, I thought I was gonna enjoy myself too.
But it turned out that I ended up more tired than before I went for my break.
I was struggling internally over the prospect of my job, and the frustrations felt over what I was doing versus what I really wanted to do.
Basically, throughout the whole week, I was wrestling with the Lord. I mean, if you asked what I accomplished the whole of last week, or in terms of what I've done, I'd say, I don't recall doing anything constructive throughout the week! Pretty intense huh?
All I remember was me spending a lot of time moping before the Lord.
I'm writing this down because I want to console myself that my last week was not wasted just because I didn't do anything. I'm writing this down cos I just realised that I was going through my Penniel Experience with the Lord.
It left me drained, and it left me exhausted physically, spiritually and mentally to a certain extent.
I started on the Friday before. I had gotten so fed up with doing admin that I get pissed each time I looked at the people I had to call and the events I had to coordinate. I knew it was the first sign of burning out.
So I prayed a little and the Lord came and reminded me that I had gone on my own strength instead of coming to Him and relying on Him.
Well, to cut the long story short, I immediately sent a message to my boss telling him that I needed to go for a 1 week break. Knew that was the last straw. :) I'd better check myself in before it all blows up.
Like I said, I took the whole week to try to get away from it all, but I ended up having to deal with the emotions that were erupting from my heart instead. It took me a long while to settle down and lay it before the Lord. But one thing I was realy thankful of, was that throughout the week, the Lord was only concerned about how I felt, and not instructing me on what to do, where to go next. I knew, He knew that that was not what I needed then. It really took me a while to simmer down and to let the emotions flow out...
It reminded me of Moses and how he was so fed up with the complaints of the Israelites that instead of just knocking the rock 1 time, he struck it twice which resulted in him being barred from the Promised Land. Isn't it kind of like us sometimes when we get angry, we tend to vent our frustrations on God and blame Him for all our misfortunes? Haha... I rememebered I was so pissed that I told the Lord to not even try to convince me to stay in this job!
I came before the Lord and by and by He revealed to me His heart. He revealed His love to me and during a conversation I had with a dear sister, I realised that He was asking me what I really want to do. I realised that He wanted to give me the right to make my own decisions so that I will pursue what is in the desires of my heart. That blew my mind because I've always been taught to go wherever the Lord wants me to go and there's no questions about it, but then I realised that if it were so all the time, then we would be nothing more than robots.
Scriptures like,"Delight in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart." and "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, and knock and it shall be opened onto you." made more sense to me.
Most times, I hesitated on making decisions, because I was afraid that I would make them based on the impulse of my heart or I'd make a decision that would derail me from His will. But that night on MSN with my dear sister, when I heard the Spirit of the Lord telling me that He had given me the right to make my own decisions, I know I have His assurance that whatever decision that I make, He will bless, because it is according to the desires of my heart which He had placed within me.
It feels so free! It feels so liberating! And I felt it, the words that Miki prayed for me the Sat before that I do not need to ask Him for permission from Him, just go and do what is in my heart! It suddenly resonates louder than I first heard it!
So, right now, I feel like I'm standing at the crossroads of my life, looking at the great beyond, getting ready for my next big adventure. It's exciting, and yet, a little scary at the same time, like what if I make the wrong decisions, what if it doesn't work out? Will He be there when I make those decisions?
But then that's the beginning of the next journey, faith and trust in a God who allows me to make my own decisions over my life in His sovereignty and allowing Him to continually deal with me so He can refine the process. Something that's very new to me. :)
And I think this is the greatest lesson that I took out of my Penniel Experience with Him the last week, that true liberty in Christ is knowing who my God is, and He is a God who wants me to live freely in Him and fulfill the desires of my heart.
Right now, my heart is going something like,"Really? You mean if I want to do something badly, God will let me do it? If I want to fulfill some deep desire in my heart, He will let me go do it? Wow! Cool..."
And His answer is, "Yes."
posted by Aaron @ 12:23:00 AM
6 Comments
